The story that's never been told

After Number Two came Conspiracy Theory, my first real boyfriend.

• He was my first orgasm.
  
• He was the first relationship that lasted more than a few months (and in my entire life, there have only been two that I could measure in years – Conspiracy and Brown).
• He was the first, last and only man I have ever lived with.
• He's the only man I ever introduced to my family.
• He's the only man I kept in touch with years after breaking up.

I can honestly say he saved my life and enriched it in many ways.

I can also honestly say that he stunted my growth and controlled me in many ways.

You see, Conspiracy Theory was an older man. Much older. As in 32 years older. As in five years older than my mother and four years younger than my dad.

So our relationship was never balanced, and it was never equal.

And in hindsight, it was never honest. The entire relationship was shrouded in secrecy and paranoia and dangerous ghosts of the past, because that was Conspiracy Theory's world. A world of shady characters, life-threatening betrayals, government agents, police brutality and intricate, internecine plots.

So even though we dated out in the open (causing much wagging of gossipy New Haven tongues, both on and off campus), our relationship was never open. I became the keeper of secrets, both his and my own.

So much so, that I told no one much of what I'm about to write down. Not even my own diary, because in the early days with Conspiracy Theory, I stopped keeping a diary.

So I must go from memory. Memory that's sometimes hazy, sometimes out of sequence. Memory that won't necessarily give me full insight into what 20-year-old me was thinking and feeling at the time. Memory that's colored by how things ended and by the viewpoints and opinions of the woman I am today.

But imperfect or not, hazy or not, scary or not, it's time to unearth those memories, unbury those secrets and tell the story of my two-year tryst with Conspiracy Theory.

It's the only way I know to get my life and my power back.

Conspiracy Diaries Part 1 of 25 (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25)
Conspiracy Lessons Learned 1-4 (1 2 3 4)

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