If You Think It's Abusive, It Is

The problem with me and Conspiracy – or me under Conspiracy – was that I became half of a person instead of a whole, and he became larger than life at my expense.

One of the things that helped me to understand this dynamic was watching Oprah shows about domestic violence. That's when I realized that what happened between me and Conspiracy was not much different from what happens between the stereotypical mean drunk and his battered-and-bruised wife.

These are the signs I couldn't see, the signs that I was losing myself in a relationship:

1. You take on his beliefs and opinions as your own. He tells you what to think, and you think it. You even spew his words out of your mouth.
2. You stop hanging out with your friends. He engages in disruptive behavior, like talking to you in the background when you're on the phone with your girlfriend. Or bad-mouthing your friends.
3. You'll have what he's having. If he's a pothead, you'll try it, too. You'll drink if he drinks, or smoke if he smokes, or follow wherever he leads.
4. You become overly dependent on him – emotionally and financially. He picks you because you're needy. He encourages you to be needy. And then, he holds your neediness over your head every time you try to grow a backbone.
5. You believe everything is your fault. He blames you for everything. He nitpicks your every fault. And you think he's right. No, you know he's right. If only you did or didn't do X, he'd be ok.
6. You start to shrink, and he criticizes you for shrinking. He tells you you're weak (or you're fat or you're old or you're ugly), until you accept that as your own self-definition. 
7. You think you might be abused, but you're just not sure. Because, after all, everything is your fault. Maybe you're just imagining that you're being treated badly.

Twenty-something Me couldn't see the warning signs. She couldn't see the signs even as she lived them. She could only glimpse them in brief flashes as the relationship soured.

It is only now – nearly two decades later – that I can see just how abusive the relationship really was. And, even now, I still question myself.

Whether I have the right to use words like abuse, when he never kicked me or hit me or punched me or threatened to.

Whether I have the right to be afraid of him, which clearly I am. It took more than a year for me to write 25 posts about our relationship. A year when I had a nightmare about him ranting, raving and threatening to sue me. A year of fleeting thoughts about what he might do and say if he ever found out about this blog. A year when I even began hating my own blog, because not facing my fear was easier than admitting that even now, I'm still afraid.

But if I learned anything from Conspiracy, it's this: If you think it's abusive, it is.

Conspiracy Diaries Parts 1-25 (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25)

 Conspiracy Lessons Learned Part 1 of 4 (1 2 3 4)

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