I used to think turning 21 made you a grown-up. Now I have a new definition. A grown-up is someone who takes 100-percent responsibility for the quality of his or her life.
Grown-ups deal with a lot of circumstances that are beyond their individual control. But they take responsibility for their reactions to those circumstances and the choices they make. Teenagers, on the other hand, sulk and pout and blame circumstances – or better yet, the grown-ups.
I daresay that most of us remain teenagers trapped in growing-older bodies, at least in certain areas of our lives.
We're taught by psychology to blame mom, dad, our childhood tormentors and all our ex-lovers for us "being the way we are." And that blame keeps us stuck in an immature version of ourselves.
Conspiracy now stands out to me as someone who is fully grown, but not fully grown up.
And writing about him showed me the ways that I was remaining stuck in a partially grown-up place. Because I was still blaming Conspiracy for the fact that he was the first and last man I ever lived with. ("He ruined my trust in men. He made me think commitment is a drag.") Which is really no different than him blaming me for "the hurt you caused and continue to cause."
Being a grown-up means admitting that maybe I've never lived with another man because I enjoy having the freedom to do as I wish, when I wish it. Without compromising or sharing or negotiating.
Being a grown-up means I take responsibility for being single, instead of blaming my parents, childhood tormentors and ex-lovers.
Being a grown-up means that no relationship – no matter how dysfunctional or damaging – has the power to control my life for years into the future.
I've grown up a lot this year.
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