Each of us has false beliefs that seep through our pores, flood our bloodstreams and eventually settle like concrete into our bones. For instance, I believed I was weak, I believed I was powerless, I believed I was promiscuous, I believed I was gullible, I believed that men were providers and women were sex toys.
As I've forced myself to write about my two-year tryst with Conspiracy, I've been struck by how much that relationship reflected my old beliefs and made them seem irrefutably true.
I've spent the last 15-20 years confronting and dismantling my false beliefs. Self-help books, transformational seminars, psychological counseling, acting, writing, yoga, New Age adventures of all kinds. Some of my experiments were successful, some were expensive, some were embarrassingly dumb. Some were right for a time, then needed to be discarded.
But all that self-development work allows me to see, after all this time, that those old beliefs were never true. Even if I already believed them, even if Conspiracy pounded them into my head, even if my behavior reflected them.
Yanking that bone-deep gunk out of my marrow hasn't been easy, but the resulting gains in sanity and self-esteem are well worth it.
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