Writing about Conspiracy required heaping tablespoons of forgiveness – both for him and for the young woman I was when I dated him. In fact, I often began each writing session with a forgiveness visualization.
Most often, I would imagine myself facing Conspiracy, with a cord of light running from my solar plexus to his. I'd picture a sharp object cutting the cord that bound us together. Sometimes, it would be a giant pair of scissors. Sometimes, it would be a huge rotating blade, the kind that cuts down trees.
I would imagine my half of the light of rope coiling back into my body, as if it were being spun back in place like a vacuum cleaner's electric cord. The cord represented all of the power, all of the mental and emotional energy, all of the parts of myself that Conspiracy had taken from me, willingly given or not.
Then, I'd imagine his end of the cord flowing back into him. Giving him back all the energy I'd stolen from him through thinking about him, bad-talking him, dwelling on him, fearing him.
I'd imagine both of us with our own energy back, and nothing but space between us.
I'd see white light surrounding me. Healing what was once broken.
And then, I'd picture the light around him. I'd say a prayer for his ability to be happy, loved, successful and understood. And then I'd watch him disappear into the light, into a life that no longer included me in any way.
On other days, I would use a different technique aimed at forgiving the 20-year-old girl who had gotten herself into this mess. I would imagine that I could talk to my younger self. I would tell her that as bleak as her life appeared to be, she absolutely would have a happy ending. That I was living her happy ending right now.
I would explain that the happy ending didn't entail perfect outcomes. That she wouldn't end up with the husband, the kids, the fame or the fortune, but she would end up with peace of mind. I would let her know that she ended up happy with how she turned out.
Doing these processes as part of my pre-writing meditation helped me move the bone-deep gunk out of the places where it was hidden and write from a place of open-heartedness.
If you have a person or situation from the past that still haunts you, maybe one of these techniques can work for you, too.
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