Tuesday, May 26, 2009

When You Let Go, Really Let Go

I've seen Brown twice since our breakup nearly 10 years ago.

The first was a few months later. I was in my kitchen washing dishes and singing. He greeted me with, "It sings," in a tone of voice that said how dare I sing while he nursed a broken heart.

The second time was a few years later. I was heavily involved with transformational seminars that required me to have conversations with people I had unfinished business with. I basically acknowledged that the elephant in the room had played a bigger role in our breakup than the betrayal, and apologized for treating him like a bad guy who needed to constantly atone.

Then a year or so after that, I called Brown to (falsely) accuse him of giving me an STD.

I'd had an abnormal pap smear. When I went in for my biopsy, I asked my mean, hatchet-faced OB-GYN what an abnormal pap meant, and she tersely replied that I had an STD. She didn't bother to explain what I've now learned from commercials: that a very common virus called HPV can cause cervical cancer in roughly 10 percent of women exposed to it.

I thought I was dying of cancer. So in total terror of my impending baldness, radiation-imposed barrenness and ultimate untimely death, I gave Brown yet another piece of my mind.

Of course, the biopsy turned out negative. I wasn't dying. And I didn't have an STD.

But I was too embarrassed to apologize, because I'd blurted out, "I haven't been with anybody since you, so if I have something, you gave it to me."

I'd admitted to being stuck in my head with him, while he had moved on – into the arms of a Korean woman.

I haven't seen or talked to him since, but through the years, I've kept up with him through his best friend's wife. When we talk, she gives me the juicy second-hand gossip about his wife, kids and drama.

A few years ago, I admitted to my friend Chief that I was still in love with Brown. Her face kinda squinched up. She was my boss at the new job I took while Brown and I were breaking up. Then and now, whenever I describe my relationship with him, she always says the same thing, "He sounds totally wrong for you."

A few weeks back, while blogging about the Brown saga, I confided to her how writing about him brought up all this stuff because "I still hadn't found his replacement."

Chief gave me one of her quizzical looks, and gently pointed out that I wasn't supposed to be looking for Brown's "replacement."

In that moment, I realized that instead of looking for a love that's based on mutual respect, shared goals and shared dreams, I was merely measuring every man against my selective memories of how good things used to be with Brown.

Writing about him has made me realize the extent to which I've been playing the what-if game. The blaming-myself-for-letting-go game. The blaming-him-for-not-trying-harder game. The blaming-his-wife-even-though-I-don't-know-her game.

So I made the decision to really let him go – psychically and emotionally, not just physically. I prayed for him to be happy (instead of hoping he'd waste away from miserable, undying love for me). I prayed he'd have a great relationship with his wife (instead of taking pleasure in second-hand tales of marital discord). I prayed for him to completely release me and for me to completely release him.

In writing this blog, and supplementing it with a deep intention to forgive and be forgiven, I feel like I've finally let Brown go – for real and for good.

Thanks for being a part of my healing process.

(Brown Diaries Parts 1-18: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | Lessons Learned Part 3 of 3: 1 2 3)

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8 comments:

Rica said...

Wow, 10 years?! I'm glad that you finally let go. And it is true when people tell you that a person isn't good for you. My friends and family told me that so many times about my ex and I never listened until it hit me one day that they were so right.

Your friend is also right about the replacement part. I always tell my best girlfriends to never, ever put a guy up on a pedestal because each guy is different and you really shouldn't/can't compare.

Besides, from what I read about him, he doesn't deserve you anyway.

Good luck and much love for you. :)

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

I feel terrible. I have been such a regular reader, yet could not be a part of the whole healing process and try to come up with a silly not-so-wise crack just to make you smile. But I read it all and I am happy for you. :)

Hugs.
Kisses.

Claudia said...

I know exactly where you are coming from.

I was obsessed with a man for the most of my adult life. pregnancy seemed to be the cure for him leaving me alone. We were very attracted to one another sexually.

Even though I've been togethr with another wonderful man for 7 years I'm still haunted by him in my dreams.

We cannot be in touch in real life because he committed suicide about 4 years ago.

Laetitia :-) said...

I have a Mental as Anything song in my head now - the relevant lyrics of which are:

He's just no good for you
Why are you going back?
You deserve
a whole lot better than that.

Don't Be a Slut said...

First, just wanted to agree with everybody - Amen! Yes, it really is finally over. And yes, it really is a good thing.

Claudia - your comment really touched me. I can only imagine how hard it is to get closure in your circumstance. I'm glad you've found someone wonderful, and I'm sure your former beloved will work his way out of your dreams in time.

Enchantress said...

I am really happy that you are healing. I am trying to figure out how to do the same. I am on an emotional roller-coaster...I will blog about it today.

Eric said...

Thanks for the post. Although I write about the ways that exes get back together, I also believe it's important to know when it's time to move on.

In the case of your blog, it's been said that writing these posts are cathartic and are as useful to the soul as talking with a friend, for example.

Congratulations on your acceptance and for moving on with happiness and love.

Cheron L. Hall said...

I'm so glad you were able to find solace through all of this...forgiveness starts within...

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