Friday, April 24, 2009

Sandpaper and Frayed Nerves

As much as I loved Brown, I had immediate misgivings about moving in with him. I wasn't sure I wanted to give up the independence of my own place so soon after escaping from my Great Aunt. And, the truth was, Brown was frequently mean to me.

The same tongue that could pour honeyed sweetness in my ear after lovemaking could also be as rough and coarse and harsh as sandpaper, and it rubbed my nerves raw.

"How can you want to be an actress when you haven't even seen Taxi Driver?"

When I described my feelings of frustration and barely suppressed rage over being a secretary with a Yale degree, he told me I was spoiled. I should just go work in a clothing store on the weekends until I managed to catch my bills up.

Since his declaration that he wanted us to live together, I was spending more and more time at his place. And that meant more and more time twiddling my thumbs while he talked on the phone with his ex-wife ... more and more time waiting with my stomach gurgling as he did this or that before we went to brunch ... more and more time watching Brown watch TV ... and more and more time licking my wounds after getting sandpapered by his off-hand comments.

I began to use the same defense mechanisms I had employed as a child with my verbally abusive dad. I shut down. I stopped talking. I tiptoed around Brown's moods. And even though he was still the center of my universe, I started considering the possibility that maybe our relationship wouldn't last.

(Brown Diaries Part 9 of 18: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | Lessons Learned 1-3: 1 2 3)

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9 comments:

Preeti said...

its getting interesting ....

this is a very valid point here ..love is one thing but there are other things we cannot completely ignored ....

I can relate to this personally , I like a guy , with whom I refuse to live -in as I am not sure weather I can bear to see him around all time and still love him ..

touch choices ...but have to make ...

Devian Day said...

Hey there,

My name is Devian Day and I'm the author of Dirty Dialogue: A Good Girl's Guide To Being Bad.

My friend Luis reviewed my book on his website (The raw deal blog) and you had this to say:

"Haven't read the book yet, but part of your review struck a nerve with me. There's kind of a basic assumption that women are repressed, and if we just let it all hang out, our men would be so very happy. I'm a girl who really, really did let a whole lot hang out when I was in my twenties ... and I found that a lot of men were just plain SCARED."

Guess what?

You're right. Men have become non-masculine and totally depolarized by social conditioning, and, the truth is that its a MAN's job to "man up" and take responsibility for his sexual relationship.

But, most men are scared little boys.

And thats the "real" problem.

Anyways, I just wanted to reply. Like your site here, looks like you're into self development yourself.

Stay Dirty,

Devian Day

PS. If you are interested in learning more about the issues I talk about, feel free to drop me a line.

devian@dirtydialogue.com

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

It is very different once you move in. Needs allot of patience and understanding. So much needs to be adjusted, but not the self respect.

Maybe you should have added some real sandpaper to his food and seen what is his tongue like, then.

Kisses.

Don't Be a Slut said...

Preeti - it is a tough choice, and I hope you make the right decision.

Devian - thanks for stopping by. Best of luck with the book.

Luscious - LMAO. I just realized the obvious, you're orally fixated. You want me to put sandpaper in my man's food & discharge in my aunt's drink!!!!

izzie said...

Hey darling,

Just to say this reminds me of the last weeks with my ex... surprising, yes? No, not really... LOOOL

Love,

Enchantress said...

Hmmm...I wonder if you gave it a go anyway...

*anticipation*

LazyKing said...

Everything in a relationship should be a natural move... living togheter, planning stuffs together etc... if you're not ready, just dont do it

Enchantress said...

I chose you for the Kreativ Blogger Award...

http://denisesugars.blogspot.com/2009/04/kreativ-blogger-award-recipient.html

Check out the link above. :)

Cheron L. Hall said...

lmao @ your observation of Luscious...I guess a picture really does say a thousand words... ;)

I had an inkling on your first or 2nd post about Brown that he may be verbally or physically abusive...when you've been there, you kinda know...and the arguing with the ex wife...interesting...

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