Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Blissfully Together and Desperately Alone

The first few months with Brown were not great. My love for him was great, but our actual love affair was lonely.

When he was around, I felt like this:
I love Brown so completely. I can't even try to hide it, try to play cool. If I could clone him, I would. If I could keep him beside me every day, I would.
Or this:
Every woman should be so lucky to have a beautiful man like Brown. Every woman. I am so happy and so thankful that I found him. That's one prayer that definitely came true. I love Brown. Love him. Love him 30 times over. Love him.
And especially this:
I so enjoyed our lovemaking yesterday morning. Brown took me to a place I have never, ever been. Where I was full and I was sated, and I didn't want or need any more, but he kept giving me more, and all I could do was surrender in accepting it, and the most incredible, calming feelings of pleasure washed over me.
But most of the time, he wasn't around, and I was left feeling something like this:
I feel so sad, I want to die. I can't think of anything else but Brown. I haven't heard from him all weekend. That's all weekend. He paged me Friday afternoon and said he'd call me on Friday night. The call never came.

He frequently said he was going to call, then didn't. Promised he'd come right over but actually appeared three hours later. Said he'd see me tomorrow, then never showed up.

I felt like a stupid, weak, snivelling little woman. I even made a feeble attempt to break up with him about four months into our relationship: I didn't answer his calls for a week, and I practiced cussing him out in my head. Then I caved in and called him. Truthfully, I'm not sure he even noticed.

So what, you may ask, was going on?

Part of it was life.

Brown worked a lot of overtime. Brown had three kids. And most importantly, Brown had secrets that he wasn't ready to share with me.

(Brown Diaries Part 5 of 18: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | Lessons Learned 1-3: 1 2 3)

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9 comments:

izzie said...

Now... Anita. Again I see my former relationship in some of your lines.
I don't want to sound feminist or bitter... but I think this proves men are really out of the same dough... :)

Love,

Angeli said...

her sense of being "desperately alone", it's not entirely the guys fault, is it?

Don't Be a Slut said...

Izze - you're too young to be bitter. Please don't let yourself get better until after age 35. Maybe not even then.

Angeli - you're absolutely right. I felt desperately alone before Brown and after Brown. But it was a shock to realize that I even felt desperately alone with Brown, even when love was new.

Paris said...

Ohhhh...why does life have to be so difficult...almost ALL the time! I...I....(sigh).

Anonymous said...

Izze sorry to say it but you do sound bitter. Not all of us Men are from the same dough.

If so then are all women stupid weak and sniveling...I already know he answer is no.

What part did you have in choosing men who treated you less than wonderfully? Did you/do you believe you were worth more.

People will treat us how we let them.

Take some responsibility, Don't just reduce it to a gender issue.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Too much love does make us very alone. We crave so much for reciprocation that we get lost in love and forget that he is after all an individual. And I guess it is easier to put up with it till we know there are no secrets.

Kisses.

beeker said...

Any person who does not keep their word, is not worth your time. I think when we are younger, we tend to put up with more than we should.

Cheron L. Hall said...

I remember loving a plant so much that it died.

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