Monday, May 11, 2009

Deciding Not to Decide

A month after the betrayal, Brown and I had a serious conversation about our relationship.

I asked him to say whatever was in his heart to say. And what he said, in so many words, was goodbye.

He said he thought I was going to hold a grudge forever about him lying to me, and his subsequent promise not to lie was ridiculous.

"What happens if I go to Vegas and win $2,000 and give you $200 and you find out and get mad at me for lying?"

"Why would you want to do that in the first place?"

But it didn't take long to get past that ghetto ridiculousness and get to the real problem in our relationship: the elephant in the room.

He said he could give me "cats, dogs, turtles or anything in this world," but he couldn't give me what I really wanted: children. He would not and could not get his vasectomy reversed, even though he knew kids would make me "50 percent happy."

Then he described how I took on a supernatural glow in restaurants whenever ladies walked in with their babies. How I lit up when I played with his best friend's three-year-old son. How it was painful for him to even look at me, because he couldn't give me that. How it bothered him when he told me about the vasectomy because "you barely knew me, and you cried."

That's when I realized that Brown had interpreted my love-at-first-sight devotion to him as ridiculous, unappealing desperation. I instantly felt ashamed and very stupid.

But he didn't stop there.

He adamantly decreed that if I wanted children, I was going to have to adopt because "I don't want anything coming out of you that I didn't put there."

Yes, he really did say that.

Selfish bastard.

Selfish, tactless, hurtful bastard.

He ended it by saying that instead of being the man who couldn't give me children, he preferred to be "the best friend who f*cked up."

I responded by pleading – yes, pleading – in the most heartfelt, pitiful and childlike of tones, "Brown, please don't leave me. I don't think that I can bear it."

So much for womanly pride and assertiveness.

With absolutely nothing resolved, we both called a temporary, eggshell-fragile truce.

(Brown Diaries Part 16 of 18: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | Lessons Learned 1-3: 1 2 3)

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8 comments:

Robert Dene said...

He sounds like an asshole...pardon the french...

jb said...

Anita, I hope that your having a good week....so it's you starring on my blog this week. Drop by and check yourself out ladyyyyyyy!!!!!

Love Ya
JB

jb said...

Hey, I forgot to ask earlier, are you having Technorati issues by any chance? Mine is all messed up when I sign in.

JB

Don't Be a Slut said...

Robert - sometimes he was, but underneath it all, he really was an exceptional human being.

JB - I'm so stoked!

For those of you who don't know JB, her blog is called It's Gonna Take More Than a Hamburger to Make Me Happy! and it's awesome.

Enchantress said...

Wow...why is it that one can LIE and then expect you to "get over it"...and if you don't, they act as if YOU are the downfall of the relationship.

*SIGH*

Cheron L. Hall said...

You've really encouraged me a great deal with your frankness...I've discovered so many untold stories within me that need to be told...I'm sure it must be so liberating...

Robert Dene said...

so many times it's like that...underneath the dickness is an exceptional human being...probably very complicated which turns quite frequently into neurosis...

Anonymous said...

You are killing me softly with this post. This is me RIGHT now.

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