Friday, May 15, 2009

Goodbye

I finally did the impossible. I broke up with Brown – for good. In both senses of the word. Good as in final. And good as in what was truly best for both of us.

I didn't berate him. I didn't play the victim. I wasn't particularly dramatic.

I just told him – in person, not over the phone – that my needs weren't being met and that I no longer had the expectation that they would be; that the things I wanted for my future (marriage and children) he couldn't provide; and that there was no sense in prolonging my agony or his.

He was hurt, but he said he understood. He wanted me to have the best, and he would always be in my corner.

For everything that had gone wrong between us – from harsh words to the betrayal to countless broken promises – I knew for certain that he really loved me and that I really loved him. And that's what made the whole situation so damned sad.

Less than a week after the breakup, I had a fever of 101 degrees. I'd wake up sweating. Then freezing.

But that was nothing compared to what I felt emotionally.

Pure, raw pain.

Pure, raw loss.

Grief in its purest, most utterly agonizing form.

I felt like a part of me had died. Like I'd been cut in two, and pain was just pouring out of my body. Like a dried-up flower that would never bloom open again.

I hoped the pain would pass quickly, but it didn't.

It lingered, in a less-intense form, for nearly a decade.

(Brown Diaries Part 18 of 18: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | Lessons Learned 1-3: 1 2 3)

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4 comments:

sospokesaroj said...

It's good that you were able to recognize that your needs were being met, and put that above anything else. Some people find that very difficult to do.

You have a way of working in emotions so seamlessly into your writing. Well done. :)

LLnL said...

That sounds awful. When I read your post I have to remind myself that this is in the past to keep from feeling so bad and worried about you. It's great that this is life you have already lived so that I know there is more story on the way.

I've thought of trying to take some pf my life experiences and truing the into a fiction novel, you could just write your life and that would be a page turner. Cheers to getting published.

izzie said...

Well sweetie the only thing that "helps" me here is to know that this was in the Past and that it "only" made you the strong woman you are :)

Love,

Cheron L. Hall said...

Not many of us know when to walk away...when to fold em' or when to hold em'...my ex taught me how to play poker...it took me 3 years to get over him...but I'm so glad I experienced what I did...I learned how to love myself and over time...I healed...

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