Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Legend of Olaf Olaffson

I have an imaginary husband. His name is Olaf Olaffson.

Now, before I tell you all about him, please just keep one thing in mind. He was conceived in a tent. In the wee hours of the morning. After many a tequila shot.

He is what happens when two imaginative women put their collective (and tipsy) heads together to create the perfect man.

My friend Chief had taken me camping. Chief used to be my boss, and thank God, she adopted me. She is part dear friend, part big sister, part mentor, part mom, part partner in crime.

So Chief and I were in a tent, after liberally taste-testing three or four different kinds of really expensive tequila, when the subject turned to what kind of man would be right for me.

I was in bitter black woman mode, so I decided he definitely wasn't a brother. And if I was going to go white, why not go European?

I speak a spattering of Italian, so Italy might have been a good choice. However, having been burned by a two-timing Italian, I ruled out the entire country.

I also crossed England and France off the list. My limited interaction with co-workers from Southern Europe had left the impression that they were lazy, rude and always on holiday.

Germans were known for their strong work ethic, but they were also known for World War II.

Hmmm.

I'd had great experience with co-workers from Northern Europe. They seemed really smart, and they spoke impeccable English.

Ok.

My perfect man would be from Norway.

His name? Olaf.

Here's his complete dossier:
  • Name: Olaf Olaffson.

  • Occupation: Norwegian Billionaire. He rescues me from a life of working for the man, because he is the man.

  • How I Know He Loves Me: He built me a beautiful heated tunnel made of ice and crystals that takes me straight from his castle to his private jet, so on those rare occasions when we visit Norway, I never have to feel the cold or step in snow.

  • Favorite Hobbies: Catering to my every whim and playing with Baby Ollie, our perfect progeny

  • Best Quality: Outrageous sense of humor

  • Best Movie Star Lookalike: Clive Owen

So I'm saying all that to say, if you know any gorgeous, sexy, funny Norwegian billionaires who are into pleasingly plump, pushing-40 black chicks, tell Olaf I'm waiting.

In the meantime, Mr. Mirage hasn't called.

6 comments:

LLnL said...

Fun read. It sounds like a good idea; it might start a new trend. Good luck with your husband and congrats on baby Ollie.

izzie said...

Great post! :)
If he has a 20-something yo brother send him my way... ;)
Pretty Please?!

Love,

Laetitia :-) said...

Hahaha - up until "Clive Owen" my mental picture was of Dolph Lundgren, who at least comes from Sweden, so a bit closer to Norway.

Seriously, while this guy sounds lovely while you're working for the man, methinks you'd actually get a bit bored. Not with him but with not having to do anything and therefore not having anything to do.

And right now now I'm thinking a dreadful pun - but cold and snow are cool! But I live in the tropics and am sick of the heat, damp and consequent mould. Lucky me - 'Autumn' is here - roll on Winter, I say.

Don't Be a Slut said...

Laetitia – I was wondering if anyone was going to bust my chops for putting an Englishman in a Norwegian’s shoes. I’m so glad you did. Makes it even more hilarious. The only famous Norwegian I know of is the lead singer from the 80’s band A-Ha.

Izzie - you mean we can be imaginary sisters-in-law? Cool.

LLnL - you should try it. Imaginary husbands and imaginary children are quite fun.

Everybody thanks for reading as always! This blog is the bright spot in an otherwise painfully dull life.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

If ONLY these men existed, there would be NO LESBIANS!

Don't tell you do not have his number!

Kisses.

Cheron L. Hall said...

damn...got my draws in a bunch...lol...but definitely funny...when us sisters get into angry Black woman mode we always wanna run to the other side...

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