Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year's Reflections on the New Me

I did not feel like celebrating the arrival of 2009.

2008 was the year of ultimate boredom. It was the year where I put one foot in front of the other and trudged an endless path of monotonous sameness: work, overeating, TV, church, work, overeating, TV, church, work, overeating, TV, church. The same sameness over and over, with a few special events to break up the monotony: my brother's ghetto (un)fabulous wedding; a trip with my church choir to sing at the Democratic National Convention; a few Oscar-worthy dramatic outbursts at my job. Then back to work, overeating, TV, church.

I didn't engage in any of my usual rituals on this New Year's Day:
  • I didn't weigh myself and vow that I would reach and maintain my ideal weight once and for all.
  • I didn't look at my balance statement and pledge that this is the year I will get rich quick, get a job I hate less or at least carve a big chink in my mountain of debt.
  • I didn't say a billion affirmations that I am now a talented and acclaimed actor.
  • I didn't pray to conquer mood swings, depression and so-called negative feelings once and for all, or fall on my knees and vow that this is the year I'd get closer to God.
  • And last but certainly not least, I did not claim that this is the year I'd finally find The One, get married and produce 1-3 adorable children (before my ovaries proclaim that it's too late).
2009 is the year where I Finally Don't Care.

Not in a defeatist, giving-up-on-life kind of way.

But in a way that says, I don't have everything I want, and I'm not going to kick myself anymore.

In a way that says, nobody can love me if I don't love me.

In a way that says, I choose to be happy, even if my life circumstances don't seem to merit it.

In a way that says, I honor me even if nobody else does.

In a way that says, I don't need an acting gig, a six-figure income, a wedding ring or a baby to prove to myself or to anyone else that I deserve to take up space on the planet.

That's the new unglamorous me, and that's what I'm celebrating in 2009.

10 comments:

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Those were beautiful reasons to look forward to 2009.

I wish you a wonderful and fulfilling 2009 and many more years to come too!

All the Best.

Kisses.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way this year :)) and you know what, it's okay.

izzie_tisha said...

Count me in on that "2009 club"... our thuoghts and reasons for it somehow meet... and for the first time in years... I/we feel I/we'll live throught it! =)

Jennifer said...

Good reason to celebrate 2009! I think it's great to accept that you make your own happieness! That's something I often have to keep reminding myself! Happy New Year! 2009 will be great! :o)

Also, I wrote a new post I thought of you after I wrote it and read some different parts of your blog. It's called "The Stripper Stint"

MH said...

I like your RESOLUTIONS!!!!! BRAVO!
2009 is your year to do WHAT YOU WANT--there are no pre-conditions :)

MaryRW said...

You go! No apologies, no shame--just go! I predict that 2009 has some great things in store for you! Can't wait to read all about it here. Cheers!

Rohan said...

You know when u stop caring about 'anything' and 'everything' in life is when u actually 'start' having fun.

My parents for instance are so happy that ' maa daa ladla bigad gaya' that they actually praise the day that i stopped thinkin 'moral', 'right' and 'wrong' and started having fun

Cheers to that ..a fun filled 2009!!

Cheri Block Sabraw said...

Your description of falling off the wagon is terrific. In a way, your statement is somewhat Zen about being fat. Perhaps when there isn't such a "charge" on the way we see ourselves (and are sure that others view us in that same way), then the issue begins to subside and soon becomes a "non-issue."

I find January an ironic month for New Year's Resolutions. Grey,damp, cold---not the best conditions for optimism.

Keep writing. It's good.

Cheron L. Hall said...

"Chuuuuch" wink ;)

angelarose said...

I love your blog, I feel a release just reading everything you have written, thank you for sharing!

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