I've had some interesting conversations lately with people who know me and read my blog. My sister confessed that my blog is grossing her out. She asked – with a trace of hope in her voice – if I was embellishing any of the details for dramatic effect.
A friend and former co-worker told me that she couldn't make it all the way through some of my posts, and that knowing the person I am now, she couldn't believe some of the harsh stuff from my past.
Another friend asked me how in the world I got through this dark time in my life.
The answer I gave this last friend was true, but not complete. I said that things were bad for another 8-10 months, but then I started rebuilding my life, and I slowly began to heal.
What I couldn't quite put into words is that I believe that God carried me through, even at the height of my own self-destruction.
At some very deep level, I've always believed that somehow, someway I would be ok ... that I was ordained to do great things ... that somewhere out there in the magical future, all of my dreams would one day come true. And that future fantasy was enough to sustain me, even when my life was at its bleakest.
But future fantasies are no longer enough.
Over the last year or so, I've started to develop a more mature relationship with God, one that doesn't hang false hope on a someday that's better than my today.
For example, I no longer believe that if I say 10 zillion affirmations and surround myself with rosy visualizations, I'll find myself on a movie set or walking down the aisle in white. Law of Attraction be damned, I just don't believe in The Secret anymore.
Because that magical-thinking mindset is part of what made me so ripe for the pimping 12 years ago. I desperately needed some big event out there to validate me, and I thought that the only way to bring about that big event was to curry favor with an all-powerful man or on-high deity.
Today, I'm in the process of learning that who I am is enough. That God doesn't love me any more or any less when I'm happy vs. depressed, skinny vs. fat, succeeding vs. failing, celibate vs. promiscuous.
Because inside, I'm always the same person.
7 comments:
Answering your question... no it doesn't... on the contrary... I've learned a lot.
As for God... there's a poem... I don't know the english name or if there's a version of it... that states that exactly.
That god is there to held us throught rough and harsh times...
And I love to see how he hasn't fail you.
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I think it is good that you are writing about this stuff and talking about some of the things that happen when you are doing some of these things. You are telling the truth, and most people don't tell the cold hard truth, but it needs to be told. Esp for others who are trying to get into acting and may come across these people or people like them.
Your blog inspires me and your honesty amazes me. To go from such darkness to where you now: where you are seeking to help others by sharing this part of your life - Thank you.
No - your blog doesn't scare me. I'm all for your telling the warts and all story - with the hope that it might scare others away from that dark path.
"Today, I'm in the process of learning that who I am is enough. That God doesn't love me any more or any less when I'm happy vs. depressed, skinny vs. fat, succeeding vs. failing, celibate vs. promiscuous."
- correct!
"Because inside, I'm always the same person."
- correct again!
and whoever you are and whatever you did/do, God still loves you as long as you don't fail to love yourself for who you are. For God/Goddess lives inside you!
I don't think God punishes, we self-punish through our guilty and judgmental thoughts.. state of mind, i'd say.
"Law of Attraction be damned, I just don't believe in The Secret anymore."
And there it is...I think people who are scared by your blog are scared by the harsh realities of life...they are the people who find that mystical, magical place and hide there and when life issues those hard blows...they become broken forever...
"One of our priest's had an outstanding homily two weeks ago after the Gospel reading about the prodigal son. He held up a crisp $100 bill and asked us to raise our hands if we wanted it.
Obviously, just about everyone in church raised their hand. Then he took it in his hand and crumpled it up tight so it was completely wrinkled.
Again, he asked who wanted it, and again, everyone still wanted it.
Then he took the one hundred dollar bill, and he repeatedly stomped on it as hard as he could and dug it into the ground.
Again, he asked who wanted it, and again, everyone still wanted it.
He then explained that God sees us just like that. No matter what sins are in our past, no matter how worn down, rejected, broken, and scarred we feel, we still have the same value in God's eyes. He loves us no matter what we have done, and he is merciful and continually offers forgiveness."
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