Monday, June 14, 2010

Blog Interruptus

It's been nearly five weeks since my last post. Pretty ironic, since my one-time and future goal is three posts a week.

But there have been lots of reasons. Some excuse-making and some legitimate. And some that I haven't publicly aired.

  1. I don't feel like it. Somewhere along the way, my blog went from being something I loved to do to something I "had" to do. And that took a lot of the fun out of it for me.

  2. Woe is me, I'm unemployed. Two months ago, the dream-job-turned-nightmare let me go. I couldn't write because I was too busy crying, stuffing my face and watching reality TV.

  3. I'll start writing again when I get a new job. Counter-intuitive, I know. What better time to write when you have 40-90 extra hours in your life that aren't be sucked up by a useless and demeaning job? But in my case, I've found that I'm more productive in all areas of my life when I'm busy. Sloth comes naturally when the opportunity arises.

  4. Is this blog worth losing two of my closest friends? I've literally lost two friends over this blog. The first was someone who revealed a shady side to me after reading my blog (who I haven't directly confronted), and the second was someone who was incensed that I wrote about a three-week relationship I had 19 years ago with the man she's now married to.

  5. Dear me, what if a potential employer, an imaginary boyfriend or my dad sees this? I consciously made the decision early on not to hide behind a screen name, but let's just say my courage wavered a bit when I Googled myself and saw "Don't Be a Slut" as the top link.

  6. What if Conspiracy Theory sends me an acid bomb in the mail? It's taken writing these first few posts to get me to realize that after all these years, I'm still afraid of Conspiracy and his rage. I know I'll get past it, but in the meantime, it's easier not to write about him.
For months, I've tried to stuff all these fears and doubts and nagging things down and just force myself to write, but that's actually counter-productive. I started this blog as a healing process for myself, as a creative project where my writing talents were under my own control, and as a way to help other women (and to my surprise, some men as well).

That's still my goal.

But I've decided to stop trying to whip myself into shape where this blog is concerned.

Over the last month, I've made some really big changes in my life. I've taken beach days and let a lot of the job bitterness go. I deleted Sudoku off my computer and eliminated chocolate from my kitchen cupboards. I'm walking every day and going to Weight Watchers every week. And best of all, I've resumed my yoga practice, another something that I used to love to do and that became a "should" that I never got around to.

And in that spirit, I know that my blogging consistency will come back when I'm back in touch with how much I love this blog and how important it is for me to release my demons from the past by reliving them, writing about them, learning from them and then letting them go for good.

Thank you for sticking with me through my less-than-consistent posting.

I'll get back to Conspiracy Theory in a few weeks, after I shore my spirit up with additional yoga and beach days.