Sunday, March 14, 2010

Stop dating jailbirds

"Anita, stop dating jailbirds."

That was the completely unsympathetic and unsolicited advice I got from my friend, Theater Goddess, as I strolled the Yale campus one evening shortly after Number Two got arrested. I was recounting my tale of woe to her and a few other girls.

I expected sympathy.

After all, my boyfriend, had, quite tragically, just got arrested.

Her tone of voice was unapologetic, unsympathetic, matter-of-fact and almost bored.

"Anita, stop dating jailbirds."

I was hurt by her insensitivity.

Back then, I was egalitarian in my dating choices. I didn't discriminate based on educational level. I didn't discriminate based on social class. I didn't discriminate based on criminal record, drug use, sexual history, morals, values, looks.

I didn't discriminate at all.

I accepted whoever chose me.

That's why I cringe whenever some allegedly well-meaning black leader decides to help a sistah out by writing a book or making a speech about how educated, unmarried black women need to stop being so picky and just settle for whatever we can get.

To that I say, bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t. Stop dating jailbirds. Stop dating men who have less education than you. Stop dating men who are in a much different income bracket than you. Stop dating men who don't share your values. Stop dating men who don't share your credit score. Stop dating men who have baby mamas (unless, of course, you have baby daddies).

Yeah, I said it.

Just stop.

Even if people call you a saddity b*tch. Even if it means being alone. Even if that leaves you with no one to date.

Just stop.

Dating boys who were uneducated, who were in and out of jail, who had baby mamas, who had sporadic incomes, who had low self-esteem, who had bad credit, who had values that weren't compatible with mine did not make me a saint. It didn't pull them up to my level. It dragged me down to theirs.

Have standards, girls, have standards. Stop dating jailbirds.

(Number Two Diaries Parts 1-8: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 | Lessons Learned Part 3 of 3: 1 2 3)

10 comments:

Laetitia :-) said...

I heard St Paul: Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Cor 15:33) as I read this with your "It didn't pull them up to my level. It dragged me down to theirs."

We've all been there.

M.I.T.E said...

So true! I'm 27 and haven't been in a serious relationship for over 2 years... and I am sick and tired of people telling me I'm too fussy/picky.

Yeah, I am! And what! Is it so wrong to think I deserve better than mediocre? Maybe if more women adopted that mentality they'd have less emotional baggage where men are concerned.

Love your blogs!

Anonymous said...

I wish I had learned that lesson when I was much younger. Today, I do not date at all. I am a widow who have learned to live independently. I find peace and joy in the things that I do. I do not look for a man to validate me.

Unbreakable said...

Good post know what you want and don't settle for every fish that pick at your line.

Anonymous said...

As a well educated, high earning black male, I wouldn't expect anything less than for you to be picky. I am.

I'm glad you said it. More women should hold to that standard and maybe together we can be better together.

Lion-ess said...

Amen!!

It's better to be single, fussy and drama-free. Why settle?

anderson said...

Prejudice plagues us all!
Married dating site for those looking for a married affair, or in a relationship,
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Dating said...

Good post know what you want and don't settle for every fish that pick at your line.

Sex Toys said...

How come Jailbirds? O_O

She must not tell that you that directly.

Anyway @ Laititia : Gosh girl! I really love you, “Bad company corrupts good character.”<<=- love this quote :)

O.F.C.J. said...

Thank God. “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Cor 15:33)-- so true. And Pulls down characters yet to be developed. THanks God for lessones learned adn being learned. Oh the times we have Lol. "Have standards", indeed. And even more important, have Jesus. Because His standards will guide yours and keep you away from "Jail Birds" and al the other personality-disease-ridden birds out there.


O.F.C.J.

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