Thursday, October 1, 2009

Is it the Right Time for the First Time?

I was thinking I had waxed as philosophically as I could about my Virginity Diaries ... when duh, I realized I left out the most obvious lesson learned:

There is no rush, and it should feel good.

My first time fell far short of amazing, in part because I thought I was behind schedule. I was acutely aware that at age 19 I was "supposed" to have boyfriends, and it didn't help that Foster Mama and my foster sisters teased me about the fact that I'd never "had any Peter."

But was "getting some Peter" really all that urgent? In retrospect, not really.

Especially now that I know my first Peter was really just low-grade beef, a little rancid and stale.

So knowing what I know now, this is how I would have coached 19-year-old me if she asked me whether Latin Muslim was the right guy to give it up to:
  • Does he make your toes curl, your nose run and your crotch heat up like an electric stove? "Uh, no. It sort of feels good when we kiss and touch, but nothing like that." OK, sweetie, he's just a mild intoxication and probably not that great in bed. Hold out for someone who knows what he's doing and actually turns you on. Because great sex is unmistakably great, and so-so sex is unmistakably blech.

  • Has he done anything to earn the title of boyfriend or first? "Uh, well ... we went out a few times, and he gave me a gold chain, and he says he loves me." That's cool. But does he back up his rhetoric with action? Do you enjoy talking to him? Do you feel safe in his presence? No? Then maybe you'd better wait for a boy who's also a friend.

  • Are you really into him, or are you into the event of losing your virginity? "Uh, well. I like him. He's the first guy who's ever asked me to go with him. And I kind of want to see what the fuss is about." Darling, you're all in your head about the event of having a boyfriend and a first time, because nothing that you just said was actually about him. He's not a prop, he's a person. And probably not the right person for your doing-the-do debut.
And I would have closed with an empassioned plea about giving yourself a fighting chance at having an amazing first time, because you only get one first time.

(Virginity Diaries: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 Lessons Learned Part 3 of 3: 1 2 3)

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

if you could give advice to a lady in her early 20's who is wanting to wait on her husband, what would it be. after a very serious manogamus relationship and 4 years of being abstainent i finally give in on the first date to a fine ass dude in a mall parking lot. and the funny thing is he did not initiate it i did. he walked me to my car and gave me hug and it felt so good i didn't want to let him go, that lead to a 2 hour hug (with some kisses and extended rubbing) followed by some freaky sex in his car. but now my emotions are all over the place... :-(

i couldn't help it, i was craving, i am trying so hard not to get my emotions involved the dating game is not easy.

how does one get their mind, spirit and body on one accord. (i got saved in church last year and just gave a testimony 2 weeks ago about how long i had been without and that i was waiting for my god sent husband (boy the devil got his revenge LOL) honestly i'm feening for a man, for attention, for good sex but i want a good loving relationship too. i wonder if i played myself out.

man i hope this dude wants to see me again, i'm ready for round 2...(am i wrong?)


PS my first time was great physically. he was a very attentive lover. i was the age of sweet 16 and he was 17. he licked me from head to toe, had maxwell playing, massaged me with oils and went down on me for 30mins before he slowly placed himself within (he was packing and new how to work it) he kept telling me how beautiful i was and made me so comfortable. it was heaven.

Don't Be a Slut said...

@Anonymous - sometimes we just need to feel good.

I know first-hand about the "should I have done that on the first date" emotional roller-coaster, and about the conflict between wanting to be married/monagomous and the reality that our hormones and need for emotional closeness just get the better of us sometimes.

I can't really offer "advice."

But what I can say is, if it felt good, truly good (and it sounds like it did), then it's not really anything to regret (as long as you took the proper precautions to not get pregnant or catch HIV).

Over the years, as I've gotten older, I've come to different conclusions about God and sex than what I was taught in church. I think God has better things to do than punish us for following the biological imperatives that He/She/It gave us in the first place.

If this fling turns into something more, enjoy it. If it doesn't, enjoy the memory.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

I missed reading you.

When I lost it, I knew it was with the right guy and not just for the sake of doing it.

You are so right about whatever you have said. Most girls are in a hurry to take the plunge but forget the more important bit called 'liking it'.

Kisses.

Anonymous said...

thank you so much sis that is just what i plan to do. he (my vegan parking lot lover) has been calling me throughout the week and we are planning our next date so i will not beat myself up and see how it goes.

i have been really struggling as to what to think about God and sex - there is no easy balance. i guess it is up to the individual. while i perfer it in a trusting relationship i dont think i want to force myself to go without for such a long time again.

P.S. and yes my dear i DEFINITELY used protection. thanks for replying sis and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

richard said...

When both the partners are ready, then there is nothing more to think about!
Married dating site for those looking for a married affair, or in a relationship,
and looking for a marital affair or married dating.
www.marriedandlooking.co.za

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