Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Mixed Messages and Bow Wow Babes

Saying my dad often behaved inappropriately is like saying rain is soggy. Inappropriate and my dad go together like coffee and cream.

Most dads with daughters don't walk around the house in their underwear. But my dad sure did. And still does.

Most dads don't brag about how much poontang they're getting. But my dad sure did. And still does.

Most dads don't make flamboyant statements about how high their IQ is and how long their penis is. But my dad sure did. And still does.

Living with my dad was a study in mixed messages.

My older sister and I were expected to be smart. We were expected to bring home good report cards. We were expected to go to college. And we were even held to a higher academic standard than our younger brother, because "little girls mature faster than little boys."

But back of all that expectation was my dad's constant assertion that every woman who succeeded in business was a dizzy broad who screwed her way into a position of power.

The zenith was when Detroit Mayor Coleman Young got caught with his pants down. A high-ranking employee from the Department of Public Works hit him with a paternity suit – and won. "How the hell does a thirty-something chickiepoo get to run the Department of Public Works?" my dad would grumble aloud at the TV, and then answer his own question.

Talk about mixed messages.

My dad's idea of sex education was to counsel me and my sister to remain virgins because "sex was a powerful, special thing" that we needed to be mature enough to handle.

But then again, one of his favorite phrases was, "Candy's dandy, but liquor's quicker," and we got to see the truth of that statement close up. My dad had casual encounter after casual encounter with some seriously ugly creatures that I nicknamed Bow Wow Babes.

My dad would show up, usually on a Friday or Saturday night, with some tipsy woman. He'd sit her at the kitchen table (along with us kids) and feed her some (usually burnt) dish, accompanied by a glass of his famous juice – generic Kool-Aid mixed with pulpy lemonade mixed with random spices mixed with sugar. Or, if he had some in the house, wine.

After a short, romantic dinner for five, my dad would take said Bow Wow Babe up to his room and close the door. We knew what that meant. We'd better not knock, and we'd better not disturb Daddy.

A half-hour or so later, the door would open and Daddy would whisk said Bow Wow Babe out of the house and into the Detroit night, and we'd never see that particular (toothless, ignorant, incoherent) one again. Often, he'd leave a used condom floating limply in the toilet.

Talk about mixed messages.

He'd urge us to be careful as we walked to school, because it wasn't uncommon for Detroit schoolgirls to get raped, and occasionally killed, by serial rapists who never seemed to get caught.

But his oft-repeated rape-prevention advice was to never "play games with men" by getting them all excited and then telling them no. He explained that it was physically painful for a man to try to stop once aroused, and if a women put herself in that position, she brought it all on herself.

Talk about mixed messages.

  • Sex was special and sacred, but not so special and sacred that my father didn't have a different Bow Wow Babe every weekend (and sometimes more than one during the same weekend).
  • I was supposed to take his advice and be a smart virgin, but if I wanted to get anywhere with my career I really needed to be a dizzy, manipulative broad who slept with the right men.
  • And I needed to say yes to all men in all sexual circumstances or they'd be in physical pain and have no choice but to rape me.

Um ... ok, Daddy ... I think I got it.

14 comments:

Nelia said...

Ouch. What's been your approach to unscramble the scrambled?

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

Damn....that's deep.

Nana said...

I know this isn't funny, but it's hilarious! Oh my god, sweetie, how did you end up normal? What happened to your siblings? How is your relationship with your dad now?

Nicole said...

That was more than deep,it was oceanic.But i think you should save your Daddy stories for your book,I mean you HAVE to come out with a book.It's that serious.

P.S. I really enjoy your style of writing,as opposed to bloggers who write more casually and randomnly.

mr. nichols said...

Wow. Yeah, this was deep. I really like the honesty of the post and how rich your language is. This is my first time stopping by, but I'm hooked already. Great work.

Don't Be a Slut said...

Everybody, thanks for the comments.

Nana - it's ok to laugh. My dad is hilarious, in an I-can't-believe-that-just-happened way. You laugh, cry and scream at the same time.

As for me and my two siblings, we all turned out to be fine, upstanding citizens with deep emotional scars and a million outrageous-but-true family stories.

Nelia - the unscrambling process is still ongoing. As you can see from this blog, I made a lot of mistakes in my 20's and repeated some of my childhood patterns again and again, but I continue to dust myself off and live and learn.

Marty J. Christopher said...

Wow. Well, if it makes you feel any better, the older I get the more I realize everyone's family is some level of crazy. At least like you said, you turned out to be a fine, upstanding citizen who is capable of dusting yourself off and learning and reflecting and continuing. Even though it might be hard some days, it sounds like you're doing a great job of realizing you're not necessarily where you come from.

Nelia said...

Keep unscrambling, my sister. Your strength is my inspiration.

Chaotically Calm said...

I love the honesty of your blog...so glab I stumbled here from someone else's a wk or so ago. I am trying to catch myself up so I know what you're talking about when you're talking about it.

My father God, I wish I had the heart to be as open as you are about your relationship...I fear my mom would literally have a heart attack if she read how I really feel. My mother's way into keeping up appearance. Guess I'm feeding into it a bit because I resist writing some things I would otherwise write.

I look forward to reading more!

Tours with Shoki said...

wow, great searching , it’s really amazing

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

And I thought hypocrisy surrounding sex existed only in India.

Kisses.

Enchantress said...

Wow...I am speechless.

Cheron L. Hall said...

lol...dad was a real trip...

BatchelorDavis said...

Parents especially fathers play such an important role in a daughter's life and when things go horribly wrong it takes years to get over it. I get it...It took me ten years on a couch with several therapist to forgive my father. Every novel I write is about a realtionship issue with my father.

Post a Comment