The first time I did the deed, I was 19. I think I just wanted to get it over with.
(Note to Future Sluts: Wanting to "get it over with" is not a good-enough reason to give it up.)
L. closely resembled Erik Estrada, but that's not why he was my first. He was my first because I was ... well ... a nerd.
Guys simply never asked me out. In retrospect, I can see that there were guys in high school who had crushes on me, and wanted to ask me out, but they didn't have the gumption to make their intentions clear, and I was too clueless to read between the lines.
So when L. swaggered up to me on the train between New York City and New Haven and started flirting, I was flattered. So flattered that I didn't care that he was in rehab and on parole.
Our brief courtship consisted of him coming to Yale, where I was a sophomore, when his drug-treatment program would let him out. We'd make out in my dorm room; we'd walk down the street holding hands; he gave me his wool-lined blue-jean jacket; it was love.
So the fateful day arrived when I took the train to Bridgeport, CT and entered the scary, third-world realm of the Father Panic projects. As we walked to his place, L. proudly pointed out all the undercover-cop cars. He showed me off to his brother, who gave me a "what's a college girl like you doing with a knucklehead like him" look.
And then we were in L.'s twin bed, finally finishing what we'd been attempting to start for weeks. I don't remember tenderness or togetherness, but I do remember how I felt when it was over. Like my virginity was a game, and I'd just lost.
L. was instantly cold and dismissive. Our pillow talk went something like, "You'd better get out before my mom gets home." And there, next to me on the sheet, was a dead roach.
8 comments:
Hello there, I like your blog very much.. thanks for sharing!
Your recounts are so interesting! I like the dead roach imagery at the end.
So touching and heart felt. Sounds a lot like my first experience. every time I read something like this I have to remember that not all mean are like that and that they can't know what no one teaches them.
I'm glad you came through it a stronger and wiser with a good heart. I think people underestimate the damage that loveless sex can do to people.
Completely loved this one...I know how it feels to lose it..the first time....I came back home and sat under the shower for hours crying....
Okay, so I've decided to start at the beginning of your blog and work my way to the present...yeah, I "get's it in" I'm a true blogger fasho'...but it's only because you are a great writer...
I love telling my "loss of virginity" story...I was just telling it the other day...not sure if I should write, lol...but perhaps you've given me inspiration.
this is a very refreshing blog. new reader here :D
@Anonymous - Welcome aboard! Thanks for reading!
i met him the day before. there werent even sheets. it only got way worse from there. for the next 5 1/2 years. i am in a good relationship now for 2+ years but still don't know how to deal. religion has helped but it seemed like everyone's story was infinitely tamer. thank you for writing.
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