Wednesday, March 4, 2009

10 Signs You Might Be Dating a Hood Rat

I've never understood all the silly R&B songs of the last 15 years or so about wanting to date a roughneck, a thug, a soldier, whatever. Take it from me, ghetto boys are nightmares. Semi-Homeless put the toe in ghetto. Here are some of the lowlights of our relationship.
  1. He called me Boo. I hated being called Boo. (For those of you new to my blog, this was 1997, when Boo was common slang for boyfriend or girlfriend. There was even a stupid song called, "My Boo.")
  2. Semi-Homeless took CP Time to a new level. His five minutes was always 15. His hour was always three hours.
  3. He didn't live Biblically, but boy, could he quote the Bible. He declared my new job as a tarot reader to be the devil's work and would quote Revelations to prove it.
  4. Semi-Homeless engaged in chronic pager abuse. My pager would ring 5, 10, 15 times a day with some random number followed by 911 - 911 - 911. When I'd call back and ask what the emergency was, he'd go, "Honey, I miss you!"
  5. When I screamed at him to stop paging me and asked him why he kept paging me when he knew I didn't want him paging me, his answer was: "Because that was the only way I could get your attention."
  6. Then, he added in his most humble, apologetic voice: "I apologize for being in love with you."
  7. His no-car-having self thought I was the equivalent of a ghetto chauffeur. "Uh, Boo, stop here so I can ask this guy about the money he owes me."
  8. Semi-Homeless would pretend he was "just joking" if I called him on his crap. Like the time he asked if he could crash at my Great Aunt's house, then pretended he wasn't serious when I asked him what would possess him to even ask me that. "Oh, Boo, I was joking! I was joking!"
  9. He thought dining out was going to Popeye's or Burger King. A special date called for Friday's.
  10. He was always whipping out his private parts, demanding that I kiss and pet him.
My nerves were worn down to a frazzle. Semi-Homeless annoyed the piss out of me. But I tried to convince myself that he was The One because after all, he said he loved me.

(Semi-Homeless Diaries Part 8 of 12: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 | Lessons Learned 1-2: 1 2)

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8 comments:

LLnL said...

You had me cracking up. I know what that like. You are so feed up with the people that aren't into you that you find the first guy that can't get enough of you, but you end up hating every minute of it.

Nice picture BTW.

jb said...

Anita...first how's it going and holy crap....this just cracked me up and made my day all at the same time. Come by and read my 25 things freaking funny also. 5 and 6 hahahaha so funny. This good.

Huggs
JB

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Sigh.

To what extent can women go to believe that they have a man 'who loves THEM'.

Love is quite a bitch.

Kisses.

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Tina said...

That list is hilarious!

Denise said...

Aye yi yi! That is one heck of a list.

Cheron L. Hall said...

lmao...I had a man ask me to let him use my bank account for one of those overseas email schemes...when I said, mmmmh...ask your aunt if you can use her account, he quickly changed his mind...

GTFOH!

Loved this list...

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